yo-yo

The past few days have had me in tears. Happy tears. Sad tears. Anxious tears. Painful tears. Way too much leaking eyes and red blotchy face. I'm done with it, but the pregger hormones apparently aren't...

The ultrasound was okay. The tech was nice enough, I guess. According to her, the placenta had moved a little and now she'd call it marginal placenta previa. Good news, right? I'm confident that my OB will cheerfully announce that I may proceed with the natural childbirth of my dreams. Rock on. But, just to be sure........I call and leave a message to see what she thinks.

Whilst on the phone giving the bottled water company a piece of my mind for shorting me 10 gallons after a month of record breaking heat, the other line beeps. I click over and it's the PA from my OB's office, calling to tell me all about my ultrasound. The conversation starts off with her telling me how huge my baby is, I'm starting to get edgy about this by the way. Axel is above 'normal', but he's proportional, healthy and if any one has been listening that's just how I grow them! My mother is a skinny little thing and I was 9 lbs. and my husband wasn't whimpy by any standards either. BUT this PA is a little more 'medical' then my actual doc. And I believe if given the opportunity, she'd have me believing my dates are wrong. I got a little um, bold and cut her off....I said I know he's big compared to other babies, but what I really want to know about is the placenta. She very nonchalantly says, well it hasn't changed and if it doesn't move, you'll have to have a c-section. Like it's no big deal.

I am a bit of a drama queen, I'll admit it. I called my husband and blubbered like a baby. I acted like the end of the world was close at hand. I was in a funk most of the night and really started to think things through this morning. I know that this information did not come from the doc herself. I know that I need to talk to her before I go off the deep end and make myself depressed. I know that if I do have to have a c-section, it will be okay, but I don't have to like it.

I was feeling a bit like a jerk. Like maybe I was being selfish to want to do this my way. But I don't think so now. This birth will be the one and only time Axel and I will have to work together to bring him into this world. I would prefer not to have him extracted from me on the date of a doctors choosing. If it happens, I will mourn the loss of a dream. And I don't think that's selfish. Sometimes I try to keep my opinions and thoughts to myself, because several good friends have had c-sections. I am not comparing myself to them or judging their choices or situations.

The key in whatever happens is empowerment. Maybe that's what I let be taken from me a little yesterday. I let this PA tell me what was going to happen to me and I took it for gospel. I let her take a little of my say in the matter by not asking questions and letting her opinion send me into a tizzy. I let her tell me that they'll just send me in for another ultrasound at 34 weeks. Um, no you wont.

So, on the today list:
*chill out with yoga
*do something for someone else
*call a midwife friend
*make something pretty
*be thankful for every not-so-little movement Axel bestows upon me

*edit: I spoke with an amazing midwife who really helped put things into understandable terms for me. She gave me the questions to ask my OB that would give me the answers I am looking for. So I called the office. My Dr. called me back and now I'm back to crying. The placenta is partially covering the cervix. We'll do one last ultrasound at 36 weeks. If there isn't a change, it's surgery for us. At least I know what may be ahead, and still it could go the other way. Hurry up and wait, story of my life. I need to get through this and enjoy the remainder of my pregnancy. It's no good for little Axel to have a weepy mama.